Idk wtf is going on with my head anymore. I love Jay, I’ve been with him for 4 years on may 18th and I’m pretty sure we are going to get married one day. And yeah I’ve had crushes during the 4 years but never ever thought to do anything about them. How the hell does it change all of a sudden. And of coarse the one guy I have a crush on is the drummer of my favorite band that I’ve been friends with for awhile, which means no chance in hell. I would never cheat on Jay and can’t even imagine breaking up with him because I am so used to being with him and love him so much but ugh if there woulda been a chance with Ans idk, all of that may have changed. I have people telling me that Jay and I need a break so we can be with other people to prove to ourselves that we are meant to be together because all we know anymore is each other. In no way do I have any regrets of being with Jay for so long but a part of me has been asking what if since Kayla and I saw the guys in Elizabethtown and hung out with them from like 430-1030 at their show and I just felt like there was a connection possibly and I had the perfect chance to put my head on his shoulder and just relax but I didn’t and after today part of me is grateful cuz I could have made a fool of myself but a bigger part of me wishes I could redo that night and do it to see what could have happened.

Even though I keep thinking that I would try things out with Ans part of me knows leaving Jay would be he hardest thing in the world and I know he wouldn’t just take me back if I wanted to after dating someone else. It just sucks because I haven’t had this strong of a crush on someone since before Jay asked me out. Part of it is the fact that he’s an amazing drummer and I love drummers but he is so sweet and genuinely cares honestly and just seems so perfect but Jay and I have been through so much and he deals with me and still loves me and after being with him so long I’m convinced that no one else would ever put up with me and love me like Jay does.

After things that happened when I started work while I was texting people I’m definitely not trying to change anything. I’m too afraid that if I let Jay go, I’ll never get him back and may never even find someone else willing to deal with me for a month much less life. There’s just so many what ifs in my mind right now idk how to handle it anymore.